This was not a "Born May 25, 1983 ... Started kindergarten 5 years later ... Graduated high school 2001 ... " kind of timeline. This was a detailed, all-access kind of timeline (good, bad and ugly: all included). A timeline filled with successes, failures, victories, heartbreaks, challenges, slumps, awakenings, changes, setbacks, questions, answers, blessings, and so on.
This was hard, y'all! I was so drained afterwards I literally had a headache for the remainder of the evening. I have to say that in so many ways, though difficult to sit down and force myself to do, it helped me to gain so much perspective.
These are a few things I learned in that hour and a half, while sipping my green tea ...
[For the record, not so much a fan of Panera's green tea. Starbucks all the way. But ... Panera has booths, so for this particular exercise, comfort outweighed taste.]
- I learned that certain pains and heartaches caused me to operate in a failure mindset. This highly influenced the view I had of myself, which then influenced the view I had of God. Self-absorbed? Yes, I think so. Insecurity makes one very vulnerable, and vulnerability makes you do stupid things. This stems from the lies of the enemy. Don't base your life on lies. Yuck.
- I learned that I had allowed circumstance to dictate my view of God. If I experienced a defeat in an area, I automatically felt that I had "missed the boat" and had been forgotten by God. I had Him in a box. If things did not go the way I imagined (and many things did not!), I thought I had forfeited "His best." This distorted view of "His best," was really my best plan ... which was SO warped.
- I learned that the things I loved to do when I was 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10 years old, I still love to do. Why don't I do these things more? Like many, I was sucked up into the rat race of life and ended up spending the majority of my time doing things I wasn't made to do. Not bad things, just not things that I was made to do. Square peg in round hole. Realization is a good thing. Praise God for realization. Psalm 139 says He knits us together in the womb. This means He fashions each of us with loves, passions, talents and gifts that are unique to us. They are given to us to use to edify the church (Ephesians 2:10). I will find such joy in doing the things I am made to do, especially when I am glorifying God while doing those very things. Spend your time doing what you love.
- I learned that I am stubborn. I had to revisit some of the same life experiences over and over again until I got it right. The Lord is so patient and persistent - Thank You, Jesus.
- I learned that I am loved. Tremendously, unconditionally and uniquely, by my Savior Jesus Christ. He has a plan for my life. I never missed the boat. I just had to let go of any sin in my life and surrender. Surrender is a big thing - We must surrender if we want His best. Our view of God is very convoluted until surrender is accomplished. We cannot hear Him clearly and we have an incredibly difficult time discerning His will (and His Word) minus surrender. Too much of ourselves wrapped up in the equation to fully hear Him alone.
- I learned that there is blessing in obedience. I looked back at the times of intense obedience in my life and I saw intense blessing. I do not want to live outside of obedience. Not because of blessing (though it is a direct result), but because that is the absolute safest and best place to be. I want to know I am pleasing my Father, and I want that to stem out of sacrificial and humble love for Him. For who He is and what He has done in my life. I want to give back. I want to serve Him. Obey even when it hurts. There is consequence for not.
- I learned that some seasons are meant for purging. We just went through one. I learned that it's good to let go of the things I don't need sometimes. It feels good. It is freeing.
- I learned that healing and forgiveness comes only from God. There is no other substitute. True and complete healing is found at the feet of Jesus.
- I learned that my identity is found in Him. Nothing or no one else will ever complete me the way He does.
- I learned that looking back is no longer painful. Thinking about past failures or challenges can be painful, but when you're truly healed, there is joy in knowing you've been set free.
Wow. That's all I can say.
Go sit at Panera. Write your own timeline. And for everyone's sake - Please get coffee instead of green tea ... :)
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