Longing

"My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times."

(Psalm 119:20)

It's been a tough week for some people in my life.  Loss has been experienced in one way or another.  I received a call from a sweet younger friend one night this weekend and could hardly understand her amidst the crying.  It was one of those times I knew she needed me.  I went to her sorority house and laid on her bed with her, stroking her hair as she cried and told me of her broken heart.  The pain of losing a first love.  On the other end of the spectrum, someone else in my life was just told she is in the process of miscarrying.  Two different stages in life.  The same raw pain.  It's overwhelmingly real to both of them, at this very moment.  

And as I think about both situations -- both situations that I have personally experienced -- my heart aches for them.  It's different when you have personally experienced the type of pain someone else is feeling, don't you think?  Not that anyone's pain is exactly the same, but there seem to be various 'categories' for lack of a better term. 

As I was thinking about both of these situations this evening, my mind went straight to the story of Hannah's struggle with infertility in 1 Samuel 1-2.  Isn't it absolutely beautiful how many real-life situations are in the Old Testament that we can relate to today? A little less than two years ago I along with some other girls planned a retreat for our church, where I spoke on the story of Hannah.  

In 1 Samuel chapter 1, we are introduced to Hannah.  Her husband is Elkanah and he happens to have two wives, the other named Peninnah.  In ancient society, the most important role for a wife was to bear children.  Men of financial and societal means needed to have a male heir to continue the line.  Barren wives suffered the embarrassment of having to watch another woman provide for their husband.  His lineage would carry on through another woman.  Despite Hannah's inability to bear children, Scripture says that Elkanah deeply loved Hannah.  

Hannah was burdened when faced with perpetual circumstances, that plagued and provoked her.  She was burdened with circumstances that just wouldn't let up.  Circumstances that she had no control over.  Her perpetual circumstances caused her to worry and to stress.  She was persistently annoyed over the fact that she was not able to have a baby.  Year after year, she continued to deal the same struggle.

Can anyone relate?  Has anyone been burdened by the same perpetual circumstance, for what seems like forever?  Perhaps for actual years?

Hannah was also provoked, year after year, by Peninnah's mocking.  Peninnah, who at this point had birthed multiple children with no problem at all.  Scripture tells us in 1 Samuel:6-7 that Hannah was provoked to the point of tears, of anger, of nausea.  To Hannah, Peninnah was sort of like the irritant that intensified the burden.  For Hannah, the burden was not being able to have a baby.  But Peninnah -- she was the intensifier.  She made things worse.  

Your child's gone astray ... That's the burden.  The idea that everyone else's children are living for the Lord and obeying their parents ... That's the intensifier.  Your marriage is in shambles ... That's the burden.  The idea that everyone else's marriages seem to be thriving ... That's the intensifier.  You want a baby and cannot get or stay pregnant ... That's the burden.  The idea that every time you turn around there's another baby shower you're invited to or someone else's latest "baby bump" photo posted on Facebook ... That's the intensifier.  

This is my point.  Our perpetual circumstances can provoke us to the point of tears, or even at times physical illness like Hannah experienced.  They leave lasting affects on our bodies and souls.  

Are you burdened?  Is there a perpetual circumstance that is causing you to worry?  To stress?  Is there a perpetual circumstance that has intensified to the point of making you angry? Causing you to feel physically exhausted?  

Hannah was also burdened by her isolated circumstances.  Isolated circumstances that pained and perplexed her.  1 Samuel 1:8 reads, "Her husband Elkanah would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?'" The idiom used here in vs. 8 reflects anger, not sadness.  Hannah was mad!  She had had it! Often times in carrying our burdens, we become so isolated that it becomes painful and frustrating to even voice our burden out loud.  We have a fear that no one else will understand ... And we might just be right.  So what do we do? We bury it deep inside.  Talk about painful.  Her pain was real to her - just like my sweet friend experiencing heartbreak and like my family member experiencing a miscarriage.  It didn't matter that Hannah's pain was not real to anyone else, it was real to her.  

This is very important:  It is at the point of isolation where we will also be easily tricked into believing that God has forgotten us, that He does not hear us, and that He may never come through for us.  Are you feeling isolated? Alone? Depressed? Pained? Perplexed? Even ... forgotten? 

Let me share something absolutely precious with you today that God taught me as I prepared to speak on Hannah a few years ago.  He used Psalm 119:20 as a major focus along side of my study of 1 Samuel 1-2: "My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times."  

This is what He taught me through this Scripture: Longing is not a bad thing.  If you continue reading in 1 Samuel, you will see that God eventually answers Hannah's cry for a child and blesses her abundantly.  But here is the thing: God used the longing in her heart to deepen her relationship with Him.  Did you hear that?  God desires to do the same with us, friends.  I read somewhere that the most intimate communion takes place between us and our God during times of longing.  Because often times our prayer lives deepen and our faith is poked, prodded, and eventually empowered.  

"The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time.  You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." (Psalm 145:15-16)

"In spiritual things, when God has raised a desire, He always gratifies it; hence the longing is prophetic of the blessing.  In no case is the desire of the living thing excited to produce distress, but in order that it may seek and find satisfaction." (Charles Spurgeon) 

I could go on and on and on about Hannah.  She is so precious to me.  But this is my point tonight: Just as the above thought from Spurgeon says, distress is never comfortable or welcomed.  But adversity is often used to challenge us to go deeper in our relationship with Him.  To trust Him more fully.  To surrender our lives more humbly.  

God has a plan.  And just as He answered Hannah, He will answer you.  But don't throw the longing away.  You have it for a reason, as crazy as that may sound.  God often intensifies our longing in order that we will run to Him with more desperation. 

What are you longing for tonight? Will you run to your Father in your longing, allowing it to become an opportunity to grow deeper with Him? To trust Him more fully? To surrender your life more humbly?  

Love you all.  Go read 1 Samuel 1-2 if you have some time.  You will be blessed.