This may take some Pondering

There is great mystery in all that God does, don't you agree?  For a very long time, I lived my life in attempt to disclose "the mystery."  I wanted to know exactly what God had ahead for my life.  I was in many ways obsessed with the next big thing God had planned for me.  Those who know me well will tell you I was quite the dreamer.  My mind never stopped.  I realize now that this was due in large to my own struggle with dissatisfaction, though at the time I played it off as "dreaming God's big dreams."  I am by no means discounting dreams. I think it's important to have goals and plans and even visions for your future.  I still have those for my life.  But in the midst of trying so desperately to figure out "the mystery" of God's plan for my life, I lost sight of what was most important to me as a believer: My fear of God.

This afternoon I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes.  A great book to read when you're in the pondering mood.  Two verses in particular jumped off the page and turned to life before my eyes.  Here they are:

"For in many dreams and in many words there is emptiness.  Rather, fear God." (Ecc. 5:7)

"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things." (Ecc. 11:5)

Ecclesiastes 5:7 is so to the point, which I am a big fan of lately.  Just give me a few meaningful words to chew on and I'm good to go.  Maybe it's the pregnancy brain (??).  The Message translates this verse the following way:

"But against all illusion and fantasy and empty talk there's always this rock foundation: Fear God!"

I sought long and hard after God by way of my dreams.  I clung to the dreams more than I clung to God Himself, and I got lost in those plans for my life more than in the God of my life.  This may not resonate with anyone else, though I would find that slightly hard to believe.  We all have dreams for our lives, don't we?  Something we see for our future or are clinging to in our present.  And this is the question that rose up in my mind as I pondered this verse today: Is our faith contingent upon these things [dreams] occurring?  

This leads me to the next verse ....

Ecclesiastes 11:5 is beautiful and full of life in more ways than one.  In July of 2010 I found out I was pregnant only to be told that there was no life in the womb, just a growing sac.  I was told that it would continue to grow until it realized there was no baby being formed, when at that point it would start to shrink and eventually I would miscarry this empty sac, or blighted ovum, as it's more technically called.  For 6 weeks I waited, hoping this news was not true.  Praying that I would go into the doctor one day to hear the news that the baby had just been hiding in there and I would carry this baby to full-term after all!  I read story upon story on forums and blogs about women who had been misdiagnosed with blighted ovum's.  Some of these women were told to proceed with scheduling the procedure of removing the sac, only to find a living and breathing life in that womb just hours before the procedure via ultrasound.

At 11 weeks, I went to an ultrasound specialist for a second opinion and for complete confirmation that there was no life growing in my womb.  He spent a great deal of time with my Mom and I explaining to us why this could have happened and what I could expect for the miscarriage process (Christopher had a work conflict and had to miss this appointment).  I remember this moment as clear as day ... We stepped outside of the doctor's office on a bright August day.  I turned to my Mom and with tears in my eyes I said: "Mom, those women who had babies show up in their ultrasounds after being told they were going to miscarry ... They must have needed a miracle from God.  I don't need to be pregnant to know God loves me."  

I do not tell you this to boast in my own strength, because believe me I was not strong at that moment.  Any and all strength I had at that moment was solely being drawn from my Savior.  I tell you this because this was a moment that completely changed my perspective on life.  It was the moment when I completely let go of me and grabbed onto Him, knowing and believing with everything in me that I could get through any storm with Him.  It was the moment when I realized that things will not always end up the way I want them to ... that my prayers may not always be answered with the answer I desire ... that my dreams may not always be fulfilled in the time frame I prefer ... that the end result will NOT always be my first choice.  I guess you could say it was the moment I first trusted Him.  I mean really trusted Him.  It was the moment when spiritually I trusted Him with no doubt, with no need for rebuttal, with no desire for second-guessing.  And it was the moment practically when I knew that I was going to be ok -- whether God blessed us with a baby from my own womb or a baby from another woman's womb.  

And here I am today with a sweet little life growing inside of me.  At 14 weeks, I am more blessed and amazed than I ever imagined.  And without that sad August day when I was told I would for sure miscarry, I wouldn't trust my God the way I do today.  

So let's read this verse again, whatya say?

"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things." (Ecc. 11:5)

It absolutely marvels me to think of how our God has thought of everything.  That in my womb of 14 weeks, this baby already has it's bones and marrow.  Wow.  It's beyond our human comprehension, isn't it friends? And yet, this same God who thought up the intricate design of human life (On. His. Own.), is also familiar with all of our ways.  He is intimately acquainted with each of us on a personal basis.  And while we may not always understand His ways -- While we may not always know the activity of God ... As believers, we have absolutely no other choice but to trust Him.

So let me close by asking you a few reflective questions today.  You know, since I'm in such a pondering mood and all.  

Is your faith contingent upon these things [dreams, plans, goals, answers to prayer, etc.] occurring?  

Or is your faith grounded and rooted in your God, regardless of the outcome?

Are you holding onto the dreams, or are you just plain and simple: fearing God?

Yeah, that may take some pondering.

Definitely did for me ...